my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
