I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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