I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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