New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
