At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
