it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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