I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
