Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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