look no pants
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
