If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
