i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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