last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
