I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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