dude i'm inner monologue high
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
