He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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