At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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