buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
