I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Randomize
