I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
