Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
