he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
