Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You dont lie about slip and slides
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
