If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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