and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
