So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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