I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
