New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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