Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
