How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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