dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
