The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
