Say something about gay babies.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
