the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
