Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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