I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
