Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
