He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
