i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
