I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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