now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
