Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
