planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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