I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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