grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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