Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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