There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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