I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
