u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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