Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
