sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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