Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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