you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
