Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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