I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize