I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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