i need an iv and a liver transplant
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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