I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize