Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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