thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
