Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What drink are we having for lunch?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
