I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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