My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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