It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
